7 Things Only a Sex Therapist Will Tell You

As a sex therapist, I create a space where people can move beyond expectations and truly explore what they desire. Many clients come to me feeling stuck in their sex lives or struggling to find pleasure. Over the years, I’ve learned that certain insights can be life-changing. Here are seven key things that can help transform your sex life.

1. Avoiding Conversations About Sex Usually Stems from Fear

Many people shy away from discussing sex—not because they don’t care, but because they fear what they might discover. They catastrophize, assuming the worst: “What if my partner fantasizes about someone else?” or “What if I’m not good enough in bed?”

But in reality, these fears are often unfounded. Instead of making assumptions, open the conversation. If a client tells me, “I don’t think my partner finds me attractive anymore,” my first question is, “Have you actually asked them?” A simple conversation can clear up years of miscommunication.

2. Shame Is the Biggest Passion Killer

Sexual shame can be deeply ingrained, sometimes stemming from childhood experiences rather than anything explicitly sexual. For example, a person raised to suppress their needs might struggle to prioritize their own pleasure in adulthood.

One client, a woman in her 30s, felt a heavy sense of shame about her sexual history. As we talked, she realized that one past experience wasn’t just ‘bad’—it had been non-consensual. Once she named it for what it was, her shame began to lift, and she felt a new sense of freedom.

3. Libido and Orgasm Styles Can Change

Sexual preferences and desires aren’t set in stone. Many couples struggle with mismatched libidos, but there are ways to bridge the gap. One exercise I recommend is a ‘show and tell’ session, where partners demonstrate their preferences through self-pleasure. It’s a game-changer for many couples.

Even how people experience orgasms can evolve. By exploring new sensations, someone who thought they could only climax through one method might discover new pathways—like nipple stimulation or mental fantasies.

I worked with a recently divorced woman in her 50s who felt lost in her sexuality after decades of marriage. Through guided exercises, she discovered an entirely new side of herself—one where she enjoyed being dominant rather than submissive. This realization reignited her confidence and helped her embrace her desires fully.

4. The ‘Achievement Mindset’ Kills Pleasure

Society teaches us to measure success in everything—including sex. But chasing a specific outcome, like reaching orgasm or performing perfectly, can create stress that makes intimacy feel like a chore.

This is especially common in couples trying to conceive. The pressure to time sex perfectly can lead to performance anxiety, erectile difficulties, or a complete loss of desire. Similarly, I’ve seen clients struggle with conditions like vaginismus or delayed ejaculation because they feel pressured to ‘perform’ rather than simply enjoy.

People would be surprised at how common sexual inexperience actually is. Some women have never explored their own anatomy. Some married couples have never had penetrative sex. Some men don’t fully understand how penetration works. The truth? There’s no universal ‘normal’—and that’s okay.

5. Scheduled Sex Can Be More Exciting Than Spontaneous Sex

Hollywood makes us believe that great sex is always impulsive—passionate encounters on kitchen counters, perfect timing, and effortless connection. But in real life, busy schedules and emotional disconnect often get in the way.

Planned intimacy isn’t just practical—it’s erotic. Teasing messages throughout the day, setting the mood, and mentally preparing for intimacy can make the experience even more exciting.

For one couple I worked with, planning sex was life-changing. The woman had multiple sclerosis, and her partner had arthritis, making spontaneous sex physically painful. By scheduling intimacy and finding supportive positions, they transformed their experience and rekindled their connection.

6. Authenticity Is More Important Than Attractiveness

Most people, regardless of gender, worry about how they look during sex. But true sexual connection isn’t about having the ‘perfect’ body—it’s about authenticity.

Insecurity can stem from relationships where people feel judged rather than accepted. A major part of my work involves helping clients embrace their real selves and shift the focus from external validation to genuine connection. Confidence and vulnerability are far sexier than any gym-toned body.

7. ‘Sex Homework’ Can Change Everything

Yes, sex homework is a thing! Exercises like self-exploration, journaling about desires, or full-body massages can help people reconnect with pleasure. One of the most effective assignments I give is a ‘penetration pause’—asking couples to temporarily remove penetration from their sex life.

Without the pressure of a specific ‘goal,’ they become more attuned to each other’s bodies, sensations, and emotions. Even couples who have been together for years often find this approach completely transformative.

Final Thoughts

Sex therapy isn’t about fixing what’s ‘wrong’—it’s about helping people shed fear, shame, and pressure so they can experience deeper connection and pleasure. No matter where you are in your journey, small shifts in mindset and communication can lead to huge improvements in your sex life.

And often, those breakthroughs are easier than you think.